Haven't written in a while because I haven't felt like I could do much more than complain. Or rant. Still feeling that way, but hopefully no one will read this anyway, so who cares? Quite frankly, I feel like things are spiraling down the toilet. The country, the economy, our personal finances flushed a long time ago. There is such an oppressive feeling of pessimism that I can't seem to shake off. While I feel for those who are currently unemployed, how about a husband who goes to work every day, but never gets a paycheck? Every week he tells me there should be money coming in and he will get a check. Every week. For the past 10 weeks now. Quite frankly, I don't know how some people sleep at night. He gets a job, he does the job, and is then told, sorry, we don't have the money to pay you for your work. Every. Single. Time. The poor guy is so depressed it's not funny. It is not a good feeling to see a strong man near tears. For the past six months we've lived off a loan and our retirement accounts. We're almost tapped out.

What is Obama doing for us? Destroying us. Stretching out this economic nightmare with his socialist games in order to destroy the very people he needs to fund his far-flung programs. Last year we paid 30,000 in taxes. This year we're getting money back. Which is really funny, since we did mostly disbursements last year and hardly paid any taxes. I wonder how it will work next year when we have no income at all? At this rate, IF things turn around we will be so far in debt and have so little in our retirement accounts, if anything, that we may never recover. I alternate between anger and despair. I'm so depressed that most of the time I'm just going through the motions. Not living, but not quite dead yet. Often wishing that I was.

Okay, so I've discovered that I'm not a very good blogger. I never feel like anything in my life is interesting enough to talk about, and for the most part that is true. My life has been overtaken by Helen's track club and Girl Scouts the past couple months. I finally started getting the hang of Photoshop (or at least a little tiny piece of it). I completed a photo composite, printed it out, then realized I wanted to change something. Of course, now my printer is out of ink. Can't afford to order ink right now, it's so bloody expensive and only worthwhile to order when you buy at least four cartridges and get free shipping....That's the problem with getting a more expensive photo printer, can't just go to Staples and buy it, has to be ordered. So the layout for Frans' 9th birthday is still sitting on the scrapping table, waiting for these photos. No wonder I'm only to 9 and he's 14 now! It does go much faster as they get older. Fewer photos.

Speaking of photos, Helen needed a photo of the two of us for a school (Mother's day) project. I realized I don't have any. Is that sad, or what? If I died tomorrow, my kids would only have the handful of photos of me, and precious few of us together. That's the problem with always being the photographer. I'll make it a point this summer to get more photos of me in there. It has become obvious I'm not going to magically get younger or thinner, so I may as well accept what is, no matter how much I hate it.

I signed up for Twitter a week or so ago and have decided you can't really twitter without an internet connection on your phone. Don't have much to say on Twitter either. I keep getting e-mails about people who are now following my tweets. It's nobody I know, so what do people do, go randomly selecting people to follow? Kind of weird. Don't think I'll do much tweeting.

Chattanooga trip

Just back from a Girl Scout overnight at the Chattanooga Aquarium. Very well-organized trip. A lot of walking back and forth between buildings and over to the IMAX, never enough time for the girls at any one stop. Of course, this is a group of girls with unlimited curiosity. Got to see some behind-the-scenes stuff, like the top of the new ocean reef tank, where a curious pufferfish comes to the surface to beg for food, and the pump room with all its color-coded pipes for the various exhibits. Also saw one of the kitchens, where we learned the animals receive "restaurant grade" food like shrimp and fish. Not sure if the mealworms and frozen rats were included in that category. We slept right on the walkways of the first building, so we really were "sleeping with the fishes". This morning we visited the seahorse exhibit, which I believe is one of the best exhibits EVER. I've seen it at least four times now, and it never gets old. Then we went to see them feed the otters breakfast. Is there anything cuter than an otter body-slamming his buddy off the rock to be the next to get a fish? The girls loved it all.

Every time I visit Chattanooga I think "I really could live here". It's a big enough city, but without too much sprawl, so much beauty, and small enough that you can spend time downtown without having to worry about the issues we deal with in Atlanta. I can't believe I'm old enough to be saying this, but we might have to think about looking for retirement property up that way. Not that we are ever going to be able to retire after the beating we've taken in the past 18 months, but it's nice to dream.

Doctor Frustration

The older I get, the more health issues I seem to face, which means visiting multiple doctors. Luckily, I'm not on a bunch of medications. No high blood pressure, diabetes, no serious stuff like that. Just the hip and the never freaking sleeping. Two trips to the OB/GYN resulted in being told that a) it was probably an anxiety disorder and I should see a shrink and b) a referral to a sleep clinic, because it might be sleep apnea. Conducted my own research (with assistance from Oprah), and learned that an imbalance of one or two hormones can result in weight gain (bingo!) and insomnia - without any other symptoms of menopause. If Oprah and I can figure this out, why have two female GYN's pooh-poohed this theory? Hormone testing was done by my family practice guy, who was very understanding. The GYN was more freaked out by the fact that my orthopedist had told me I could take 4-6 ibuprofin a day (every day) for the inflammation in my hip. Ooooh, bad for the stomach and liver. Here, try this.....Huh? There's a little pill, Mobic, an NSAID that is the equivalent of about 4 ibuprofin, is less damaging to your body and WORKS BETTER. And did I get it from the orthopedist who deals with arthritic-type inflammation all the time? No! I got it from the OB/GYN who thinks I need a sleep clinic or a shrink!

I would really like to have faith in my healers, but it is being sorely tested these days. All I ask is that they be up to date in their own area of expertise. They need to know the symptoms, possible causes, best cures. They need to work at getting to the source, not just treating the symptoms - one at a time at great cost to me! Instead I'm finding that I need to cross-reference information. Ask them about an issue I'm having in another area, kind of a second opinion from someone with no vested interest so maybe I'll get a straight answer. My next visit will be the dermatologist for an all-over mole check. I wonder if he can recommend something for indigestion.....

Kicking and Screaming

Here I go, kicking and screaming into the 21st century! Had no idea how far I was lagging behind until I looked online for jobs. Tons of jobs out there writing content for various blogs, but you have to know HOW to blog, have Skype, yada, yada, yada. I was never much of a talker, though these days I will talk your ear off given half a chance. Something about the reduced human contact of being a stay-at-home mom. You recognize a similar desperate need for contact in other moms. Please!! I need adult conversation!!!

More than conversation right now, I need to work. I need to earn money, I need to use my brain, I need to contribute. I am elated to have finally made a career decision, after a decade of hemming and hawing about what to do when I grew up....I mean, when my kids grew up. After my friend Alicia gently persuaded me that I would end up in jail or the looney bin if I went into teaching, and after realizing that I am NOT a naturally talented artist, it will require a LOT more work, and after getting so frustrated with simple Photoshop attempts that I almost threw my laptop across the room, I've settled on the only thing I've ever done with ease, writing.

Because writing has always come easily to me, I thought it was that way for everyone. I just....write. Words come together, they make sense, people say "you should write for a living". What? Who would pay me to WRITE?? Apparently, lots of people. Our fabulous public education system, in their effort to make everyone feel wonderful about themselves, isn't teaching basic grammar and spelling. When I see - IN PRINT - mistakes like the proper choice of you're and your, and to, too, two and there and their and they're, it makes me crazy. Unfortunately, there are fewer and fewer folks around who know the difference, so I feel compelled to volunteer my services to the writing community, to be one of the few, the proud, the grammatically correct!

So here's my first ever blog post. I'm sure only my friends, for whom it will be required reading, will respond, but we're taking baby steps here! Today a blog, tomorrow Skype. Pictures. Scary. Maybe I'll wait until after I see Dana next week.....